How Do We Deal With Conflict?

Conflict is everywhere—it invades our work relationships, our home life, our social circles, and even strangers driving down the interstate. We like to fight.

You won't find much when you search for "conflict" in the bible. But then I remembered the bible word for conflict: "quarrel." I've always thought that was such a weird word.

If you search in the ESV, you'll find over 40 instances. It's basically just the bible word for conflict.

One of the first verses that comes to mind when I hear the word "quarrel" is James 4:1:

"What causes quarrels and fights among you?"

James is a very intriguing guy. And that's probably why his perspective on conflict was included in scripture. Not to mention, he was in Jesus' immediate family. This is the James who is the half-brother of Jesus.

Can you imagine? He was known to not believe Jesus was the Messiah until after the resurrection. But do you blame him?

I would have a hard time believing my brother was the Christ. Not to mention the jealousy. But after watching Jesus' life play out and prove His word true, James got on board. He became a powerhouse for the gospel until his martyrdom.

Luckily, he wrote this book before his death, but it was written in a time of persecution to the church. James writes on faith and obedience. How does our faith work in our lives? What should it look like? What are we supposed to do with it? Especially when it's hard.

I'm sure living with Jesus growing up, watching everything He went through as an adult, and experiencing extreme persecution after He left gave James the perfect vantage point to speak on this topic: "What causes quarrels and fights among you?"

It feels a little out of place to start with a question like that. Right before he asks about fights and quarrels, he sets the stage with two types of wisdom:

13 Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. 15 This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

James 3:13-18 ESV

If you're wise and understanding, it will show. It will be evident through meekness a.k.a. a gentle and humble spirit.

Humility and wisdom go together.

If you want to be wise, you'll have to be humble. But, more often than not, we're jealous, selfish, boastful, and fake. James calls this wisdom from below. We call it worldly wisdom.

Worldly wisdom is all about me. How does it affect me? What's in it for me? What do I get out of this?

It sounds just like the world:

Climb the ladder

Get ahead

Get what's yours

Promote yourself

Assert yourself

Do it yourself

But what does Jesus say? “Deny yourself…"

It contradicts Godly wisdom in every way. And worldly wisdom isn't just earthly, James says it's from hell. It's not just the wisdom of unbelievers, it's the wisdom of the enemy himself.

This kind of thinking is subtle. This kind of thinking is rewarded. This kind of thinking causes trouble. But the wisdom we want is pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere.

I want that. I want someone to use those words when they describe me. But I'm more known for the fight I bring to the table than the peace. This brings us to our verse in James 4:

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?"

James 4:1 ESV

Conflict begins with you: "Your passions at war within you." Sounds like a "you" problem...

We like to think it's a problem with them: If they would just stop. If they would just understand. If they would just back off.

But the fights come from your desires or "pleasures." Getting what you want is the chief aim of your life. Your selfish desires + my selfish desires = conflict.

2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.

James 4:2 ESV

The word "desire" is not as strong as the Greek verb is actually suggesting. The definition of the word '“epithymeite” is "anxious self-seeking." It's also found in Exodus in the 10 commandments—"do not covet." It's just that you want it, you are desperate for it, you're jealous over it, it drives your thoughts and actions. It's more than just a desire, it's deeper, it's more extreme. So bad that you'd kill for it.

What is it that you want?

Your way

Your plan

Your comfort

Your voice to be heard

It's not just a want, but it feels like a need.

And when you don't get it the first time, you try to take it—to force it to happen. When other people are in the way, you fight them for it. And you don't go to God on it. You are running your mouth to anyone that will listen, but you aren't talking to God. Maybe you're saying, "But I do go to God with it!"

3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

James 4:3 ESV

You might be talking to God, but what's your motive? What are you asking for? To get more in this world? To get ahead? To be proved right? To end up on top?

Have you ever asked yourself if your prayers are self-centered? What are your pronouns in your prayers? I? Me? Does it sound more like: “I want. I need. I can't. I wish.”

4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

James 4:4 ESV

James is suddenly fired up about this. "Adulterous people" — we've moved into betrayal territory. When we look like the world and fight like the world, we betray God. We are unfaithful to our relationship with Him.

If you are pursuing something or someone other than God, you are being unfaithful to God.

Aligning ourselves with the world does this. It's the story of Israel, the people of God. There are countless chapters in scripture of this unfaithfulness.

This is serious business. It's not just about conflict or how we fight, it's about our hearts.

5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”?

James 4:5 ESV

God wants His Spirit in us. Not this spirit we've been talking about. It's what He actually created us for.

19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ESV

5 You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God.

Exodus 20:5 ESV

God is not jealous like we are jealous. His jealousy is the secure type that wants what's best for you. He is jealous for your heart when you give it away to the world. Or even when you keep it for yourself.

While we are wanting what we don't have, God is wanting our hearts. We desire success, respect, power, fairness, praise, affirmation, or just to be right. He desires our heart.

6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

James 4:6 ESV

But…He gives more grace. The good news. There's grace. On top of all the grace He's already given us, there's grace for this, too. There's grace for your conflict.

I don't know about you, but this approach to conflict seems too hard. It's too much to be expected to be peaceful and gentle all the time. There's just no way.

It's even hard to see all of the ways we've bought into the world's approach. It's hard to lay down our picket signs and soap boxes when we feel wronged. It feels impossible to stay calm when the person we are fighting with isn't calm. How can we be expected to live this way when they won't?

Do you trust that He has grace for all of that, too? That if you stop fighting, He'll meet you with grace? If you surrender your stance, there's grace? If you start walking in gentleness, He's there with more grace?

Because God is merciful and gracious, He supplies everything we need to obey Him. Even when it seems too hard. This kind of living requires faith—faith that God will show up when you take that step. I don't know about you, but I want to be on God's side.

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

The scariest place we could ever be is in opposition to God. How do we get back on His side?

7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

James 4:7 ESV

Submit to Him, even in this. In your conflict, your fight, your pride, and your alignment with what the world wants, submit it to God.

Submission is the first step toward obedience.

Every command that follows requires us first to submit.

8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.

James 4:8-9 ESV

Resist the enemy

Draw near to God

Wash your hands

Clean up your heart

Be broken and grieved

Repent and change

These are the steps of obedience that follow submission. This is how we do this—how we live this life in the face of conflict.

When you don't know how to approach a new conflict, start here. When you don't know how to end a cycle of conflict, start here. When you're ready for the narrative about you to change, start here.

10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

James 4:10 ESV

You don't have to worry about the outcome.

I know you're thinking: "But if I drop it, they win." "If I don't fight, no one will." "But I'm right!"

God will handle it.

If you humble yourself in the face of conflict, God will exalt you. It may not look how you want it to look. You may not feel exalted. They may "win."

But when you are humble, you are actually winning. It's a not-of-this-world perspective. It's other-worldly. It's wisdom from above. You can stay down here and play the game the world plays, or you can humble yourself and come up higher with God.

So, how is conflict showing up in your life right now?

Conflict is a competition.

I want what I want. You want what you want.

What are we competing for?

We are competing for seats at the table. We think we're ready, we think we know it all, we think we have what it takes, but we aren't there yet. Someone else has our seat. That's what we think deep down.

But why do we compete for seats at the table?

The truth is, there is a seat that already has your name on it. You are competing for seats that aren't yours. Each of us has a seat at the table with our name on it. We don't have to compete with someone else for our seat.

Our seat will be ready for us to sit in when God pulls the chair out.

One of the reasons we compete and then have conflict over a seat is because we think there isn't enough to go around. It's called a scarcity mindset.

There's only one seat for a female, there's only one seat for a person of color, there's only one seat for a teacher, there's only one seat for a mom, there's only one seat for a creative, there's only one seat for fill-in-your-blank.

If someone who has your gift or position is in that seat already, there must not be one for you. So you have to fight them to get that seat.

But something I've held on to when I've felt that scarcity mindset creep in:

Nothing is wasted.

God doesn't gift "too many" of us with the same gift, so only some get to use it. He doesn't have "too many" people to use. He doesn't have a set amount of seats for that gift, and once they're full, the rest are thrown away.

God won't gift us with "too much" gifting that some of it gets wasted. Your gift isn't getting wasted just because someone else is in the seat you want. There is a seat for you. With your name on it. Your job is to humble yourself, submit to God, and stop fighting everyone else for the seat.

Another reason we struggle with conflict is because we have something valuable at stake.

The thing that we carry—the gospel, the good news—is at stake.

Your gifting and calling are at stake.

Your family is at stake.

Your marriage is at stake.

Your heart is at stake.

If the enemy can keep us fighting each other, we aren't fighting him. We aren't fighting forward. When we fight, the enemy wins. When we're constantly in conflict, the enemy wins.

Not only do we look dumb to the world around us, but we are distracted from what really matters.

This is the part that fires me up—the enemy doesn't mess with you if you aren't doing something for the Kingdom. He won't waste time on someone who isn't valuable to the Kingdom of God. Don't give him any more room. Stop letting him in through your conflict.

Recognize what he is after:

Division in the body

Distraction from your calling

Defeat in your life

We have to actively resist the enemy. Everything is at stake. What kind of person do you want to be?

Think back to James 3. What is Godly wisdom?

17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

James 3:17-18 ESV

I want to be known for peace -- free of a fighting attitude.

I want to be gentle -- respectful of others' feelings.

I want to be open to reason -- a willingness to listen and change my position.

I want to be merciful -- giving others a break, the benefit of the doubt.

I want to be impartial -- showing fairness no matter who it is.

I want to be sincere -- no games, no tricks, but authenticity.

If I want to see God work, if I want to see the fruit, it starts with peace. Peace is required for righteousness. Aiming for a life of peace isn't optional—it’s mandatory.

Take some time to think back through your week:

Were you gentle?

Were you peaceful?

Were you full of mercy toward others?

Were you sincere in your interactions?

If you're comfortable, open your hands. Palms up. Take a deep breath.

Submit your current conflict to God. Acknowledge your part in it. Maybe you need to repent of some attitudes, words, or actions. Tell God how it all makes you feel right now.

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God, I come before you broken. Impure. Incomplete. Wanting. Will you give me wisdom that is pure, peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruit, without favoritism and hypocrisy. Amen.

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